I made a vow to carry on
So here we are, the 19th of June. I get a funny sort of feeling in the second half of the month, as if I can’t quite believe that so much of it is gone already. The beginning of the month feels really positive, it’s another new beginning and possibilities feel somehow greater at that point.
Later on in the month I’m more likely to look back and worry about wasting time. I do this a lot less than I used to. Eventually you have to draw a line somewhere, and realise that if you’re enjoying your life then having regrets about not doing enough are pointless. There is a good setup in place and plenty to look forward to in the short term.
We’re living in a pretty volatile time though. It’s difficult to tell if I’m getting shivers purely because I’m growing up and worrying needlessly about things like a lot of normal adults do, or if it’s because of how uncertain things are on a global level. I’m pretty sure that it’s the first one, because I have resisted committing to anything since I graduated from university, and if anything a nationwide shortage in jobs and opportunities has made me feel more justified in being so flaky.
I took some time between studying and pint pulling to write a post last month. I needed a pick-me-up but it turned out to be a long whinge rather than a stress reliever. Reading it back just made me cringe; it seemed so self-pitying for no worthwhile reason. The past week has been decent, and it’s good to look back to when you were feeling a little low and see that you came back out the other side without anything major actually happening…
The last few weeks have been a little frustrating for me. I think I’ve just been caught in a funk.
Classes have been boring me, work has been a pain, motivation is lacking and even on the tennis court I can’t seem find any form. The year began like every other one: big plans, lists of goals, there’s the expectation that things will shoot off into orbit at any moment plucking you from the monotony of day-to-day living and providing you with a reason to wake up every morning feeling energised.
This isn’t an unfamiliar place. By the age of 25 I feel like I’ve had enough ups and downs to know and expect them. The good thing is that they don’t last too long. However, I still have a feeling that I should be able to avoid the troughs when I see them coming.
The resistance calendar is still in my journal, but it hasn’t been updated in months. There are half written articles, blogs and chapters dotted all around my bedroom, but the desire to sit down and thrash them out seems to have left me. I have been thinking about getting all my shit in order for so long that I always expect it will just happen one day, but without any sort of commitment I am on a hiding to nothing there.
I breezed through the rest of my classes and exams without much difficulty. After getting mucked about one too many times at work I decided to pack it in and spend time looking for something better. I worked hard on a new serving technique and suddenly I went back to having a lot of fun on the tennis court.
Little changes occur and I go back to feeling good. Productivity hasn’t increased much and I still get frustrated with myself for being lazy. I’ve been waiting for someone to stop by and slap me in the face every day but it’s all on me. No one has as much riding on me getting on in life as I do. I need to remember that.
Huge changes aren’t necessary, it’s only baby steps. So how about pushing a little harder to be creative? How about sending those emails to people who can help me push on with my career? I’m not going to get annoyed about shanking that shot five feet wide; there’ll be another ball along in ten seconds.
* – I am aware that the lyrics are ‘I made a vow to carry you home’, but this was a better fit
